michael dworkis reviews this month’s wwe ppv…
Pre-Show Match: Brodus Clay vs. David Otunga
Otunga has skills like Monty Brown/Marcus Cor Von. Oh, you do not remember him? Well, that is the point. Otunga is terrible and sloppy in the ring. The match was a mess, and it saddens me that Otunga actually dominated the offensive portion of the match, and then walked away from the match after Clay suplexed him across the ring. I think even the production crew saw how bad it was coming across on YouTube, since every other camera view change went right to Clay’s dancers. Not the way to get a crowd ready for what is supposed to be a big PPV night.
Winner: Brodus Clay by Count-Out
World Title Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus (c)
What an opening match! Once again Dolph Ziggler proves he IS main event, no, sorry, why he IS championship material. You could even hear the crowd get behind Ziggler! I am a fan of both Ziggler and Sheamus, and I would love to see this match again. Ziggler and Sheamus threw each other all over the ring. Sheamus displayed his powerhouse tactics while Ziggler showed off his fast-paced offense and cunning mat skills. These two just work so well together, they really do. Ziggler scored a DDT, hit his Famouser, and even spiked Sheamus with a facebuster off the top rope which busted the champion open. Still, Ziggler could not get the three-count. Ziggler nearly had the win after Sheamus missed the Brough Kick, but the Celtic Warrior kicked out of the pin attempt. Ziggler worked over Sheamus, even tried his Main Event Sleeper, but the Great White once again used his strength to power out, and nearly hit the Celtic Cross, but Ziggler again escaped, but Sheamus crushed the challenger with the White Noise, and then punted the head of Ziggler into the upper deck with the Brough Kick. What a match!
Winner and still World Champion: Sheamus via pinfall
Tuxedo Match: Santino vs. Ricardo Rodriguez
So this is what happens when Alberto del Rio gets injured? The match was thankfully just a few minutes of two guys trying to strip each other. Not the caliber of Tuxedo Matches between Harvey Whippleman and Howard Finkel, but it did provide a few moments of laughter.
Winner: Santino & Men’s Warehouse
Intercontinental Title: Cody Rhodes vs. Christian (c)
I was pleasantly surprised at how good this match was in the ten minutes they had. Rhodes dominated majority of the bout, but Christian had some great defensive counters, and in-turn, Rhodes came up with some creative ways to get a few near-falls. I feel Rhodes gets better every time he is in the ring. Main event material, no, not yet, but he is getting there. He really does display a lot of great mat skills, and we know his mic skills are already well-developed. Christian took some good bumps outside the ring, and the finish was great. Rhodes seemed to have the match in-hand as he set up for the Disaster Kick, but missed the strike and Christian spiked Rhodes with the Spear and got the three-count to retain the title.
Winner and still IC Champion: Christian via pinfall
Number One Contender’s Match for the WWE World Tag Team Championships:
Primo & Epico vs. Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel vs. The Usos vs. “Prime Time Players” Titus O’Neal & Darren Young
With this number of people in the ring, I expected better. In less than nine minutes the obligatory brawl breaks out, we do not know who the legal men are, and Darren Young somehow pins Tyson Kidd. A betrayal by A.W. (Abraham Washington) leaves Primo and Epico ticked off, while these guys whose gimmick involves “Millions and Millions of Dollars” and call themselves the Prime Time Players. All I can say is that someone noticed the Tag Team Division is not dead yet and might still have a pulse.
Winners: The Prime Time Players – Darren Young & Titus O’Neal via pinfall
Triple H Speaks
There really is not much to comment about this. As everyone, even my one-year-old twin girls predicted that The Game would call out Brock Lesnar and demand a match. No, sorry, a fight. Expect this one at SummerSlam.
Winner: Brock’s Bank Account
Diva Title Match – Beth Phoenix vs. Layla (c)
Yep… I can hear the cash registers ringing at the concession stands. The crowd was that quiet.
Winner: The Concession Stands. Oh look, Layla still has that ugly belt.
Sin Cara vs. Hunico
Why? Why? Why?
The Fink commented on the WWE.com Live Chat “Hunico will now face Sin Cara…Stand by for the horrible lighting.” If someone like The Fink is saying that, then I think someone at WWE Creative needs to listen. Reading through his commentary, The Fink really hates the lighting they do for Sin Cara. I think the crowd does too since they seem very bored right now. It seems overly dark, and I am guessing the folks in the nosebleeds cannot even see the ring. Oh look, Sin Cara won.
Winner: Sin Cara via pinfall
WWE Championship Match: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. C.M. Punk (c)
YES! YES! YES! YES!
During the course of the show, AJ was found backstage giving everyone good luck kisses. Yuck. Before the match even started, the “YES” chant was so loud, you could not even hear the theme music. All three men got cheered as they came down to the ring, but loudest was for the resident Yes-Man of WWE, Daniel Bryan. Punk flies from the ring to the floor before the match can even begin, and all three men tore into each other from the get-go. Punk and Bryan send Kane outside early on, leaving the two in the ring to trade holds. Kane returns and tries to catch a pinfall, but Punk kicks out fast, as Bryan attacks both men. Some “goat-face” chants start, but die down quickly as the action heats up. Kane hits a number of throat-chops, but both Punk and Bryan use their speed and agility to floor the Big Red Monster and again send him to the floor. Sure, Kane is sent to the floor at lot, but that results in Bryan and Punk trying to out-manuever each other, so, no complaints here. Bryan tries for the Yes-lock, while Punk tries to turn it into a pin attempt. Kane returns and floors both men. Kane starting to dominate by working over Punk, until Bryan soars through the air and hits both Kane and Punk with a missile dropkick. Pinfalls attempted, but still too early to score. Bryan nails rapid kicks until Punk starts firing back, and then Kane just comes in and decks them both. This match is incredible. The pace slows down as all three men become desperate to score a pinfall, and the “Yes!” chants start kicking up in the crowd again! Punk takes down Bryan and Kane, then hits the Macho Man Elbow Drop, but only gets a two-count. Kane back in levels the WWE Champion, but he cannot get the win either. Later on, Bryan scores a huge top rope headbutt, but is also unsuccessful on the pin attempt. The crowd in Jersey goes crazy as Kane hits a chokeslam, but then Bryan traps Punk in the Yes-Lock, but Kane breaks it up after Punk counters into a rolling bridge. A brawl breaks out, the ref loses control, bodies everywhere! Bryan is floored and knocked out! AJ RUNS TO RINGSIDE (crap here we go) as Kane smashes Punk with a chokeslam, the ref counts three, but waves it off? Ref says it was two, I could have sworn he hit three on the mat, maybe the ref messed up, but then Kane turns and bumps AJ off the apron! Kane turns around, Punk has him up on the shoulders and decks the Big Red Machine with the Go To Sleep! One! Two! Three! Punk retains!
Winner and still WWE Champion: CM Punk via pinfall
Post match, Kane carries AJ from ringside… and she is smiling? Oh hell… this is not over…
Oh, look… It’s Ryback…
He beat up two guys again. However, the two local jobbers probably get a nice big paycheck for showing up on PPV… or perhaps they are getting their medical bills covered in full. Whichever is cheaper. Ryback wants to be fed more. Feed him! The man is hungry! Well, in that case…
Winner: The Tick Tock Diner on Route 3 when Ryback shows up
Seriously though. It is time for Ryback to actually face a real opponent. No, his one match with Heath Slater does not count. Come on already, people will get bored of Ryback faster than they did with Goldberg during his WWE run.
John Cena vs. The Big Show – Someone is Getting Fired Match
I don’t even know who is at risk of getting fired anymore. Is it Big Show? Lauranitis? Cena? McMahon?!
The promos are confusing, and even our great commentators are flubbing their lines so much, I am thinking they are afraid of letting something slip. Shut up! I am really trying to give a good recap of this one, but it is quite difficult. Cena punch-punch-kick-kick, Big Show throws Cena around like a crash dummy, Cena fights back, his comeback stops after Show mauls him, Show tries to escape Cena uses his “incredible resilience” to stop Show (“My Gawd! The Power!”). Show has a cool moment, taking a page from The Undertaker, doing an old school rope walk… which then failed. The match gets crazy when Cena tries to leave through the cage door, but Vince McMahon pushes Lauranitis out of the way! Big Johnny shoves Vince backwards, hitting the door which slams on Cena! McMahon is down! Big Show then clobbers the ref, and then hits the WMD Punch on Cena! It looks like this one is over, until Brodus Clay comes out with a chair and blocks the cage door! Show tries to CLIMB the cage, but is stopped by Santino and Zack Ryder. Kofi then leaps onto Show off the top of the cage! Cena recovers and hits the Attitude Adjustment on Show, then he climbs the cage as John Lauranitis fights with Brodus Clay by the door. Show awakens but too late, Cena lands on the floor and wins the match!
Winner: John Cena
After the match, Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Big Johnny, who is now fired. Yay.
I am getting a little tired of Cena matches always being the last match on the card. The past three Pay-Per-View shows have seen phenomenal championship matches. I want a good reason, and a really good one at that, as to why the World Title or WWE Championship match is not the last match of the show. The Ziggler/Sheamus match which opened the show, was good enough to be the closer. Why on Earth did we get Sin Cara vs. Hunico and Ryback vs. two Jersey Jobbers (one of which was not me)? Look, this was a good show, there is no denying it. The truth though, is that this could have been a great show if a number of matches were taken out, such as the Tuxedo Match, the Diva Match, Ryback, and the Tag Team 4-Way. Yes, that is pretty much the rest of the undercard. If you watched the event live, just think about the arena crowd. The crowd was dead for all of those matches. I feel like there was potential in the undercard, but something just went wrong and nothing came off as it should have. Even the pre-show match between Brodus Clay and David Otunga was a crowd-killer. I watched it on YouTube, and it was just bad. As for the Cena match, I wish they had Cena lose this one, just to make things interesting.
Looks like Monday Night Raw will feel the after-effects of this one. Will Ryback ever face a real opponent? Will the Tag Team Division get some new life? Will AJ color her hair red so Kane thinks it is Lita? Will Vince McMahon hire me as the new GM, or bring back Teddy Long? Is Jim Ross’ BBQ sauce Kosher? Yes, I really want to know!